3.19.10
The clouds rumbled in the distance as I rode slowly on.
Rain met with the dirt often, and all around was gray and memories of damp summers. The fields of weeds and joshua trees surrounded me. Only asphalt kept me from the end.
The wheels beneath me rolled slowly on.
Verses of a four-piece cult, led by a Scorpius, lingered in my head. The bats fluttering around instilled deeper into my mind the songs of the graveyard. Pumpkins, gates, and trees filled my wanders, from the backyard to the pen. Everyone was so pure back then, so original. The posers where they belonged and the true ones standing tall. Branches cut into skin, then blood beads.
The wheels squeaked faintly under me as I pedaled slowly on.
The hills, the mountains of rocks. The shadows on the concrete, caught in the moonlight. To walk was what I yearned. Walking everywhere. What more beauty could there be than this? If only people didn't change. If only time never changed.
I rode on slowly into the night.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Wishing Well
7.16.09
Oh, solemn wishing well
If only you could hear
The cries and thoughts within my mind
The sadness growing with each year.
The pain and losses I have held
And the joys and happiness
The former I fear outweighs the latter
So pain is akin as caress.
The things I wish I can go back and do
And the things I have already done.
Things I wish I'd never said
And the darkness still to come.
The years I've spent in happiness
Have passed now, and grow farther
Now it seems time is frozen in this state
And this emptiness grows larger.
The songs that saved my life those days
Do none but make me worse
My best memories and good times in all
Do naught but feed this curse.
Still, in those days, all seemed taken for granted
I couldn't see beyond the light of the sun
The things I wish I had and said
The longing I still feel--it's never done.
Torn apart inside; I can't decipher what I feel
Hate is minimal, pride is none
These visions that send sparks down my spine
Feed the sadness and joy into one.
The echoes still ring from moments past,
In your well, and still all comes to its end
Which is beginning for others, this daunting cycle
Has left everything burned, nothing left to send.
The life I've known has been "live and let die"
No second tries exist for me anymore.
Those feelings and moments I chase in hind
Are lost like memories, like tears fall to the floor.
Oh, solemn wishing well
If only you could hear
The cries and thoughts within my mind
The sadness growing with each year.
The pain and losses I have held
And the joys and happiness
The former I fear outweighs the latter
So pain is akin as caress.
The things I wish I can go back and do
And the things I have already done.
Things I wish I'd never said
And the darkness still to come.
The years I've spent in happiness
Have passed now, and grow farther
Now it seems time is frozen in this state
And this emptiness grows larger.
The songs that saved my life those days
Do none but make me worse
My best memories and good times in all
Do naught but feed this curse.
Still, in those days, all seemed taken for granted
I couldn't see beyond the light of the sun
The things I wish I had and said
The longing I still feel--it's never done.
Torn apart inside; I can't decipher what I feel
Hate is minimal, pride is none
These visions that send sparks down my spine
Feed the sadness and joy into one.
The echoes still ring from moments past,
In your well, and still all comes to its end
Which is beginning for others, this daunting cycle
Has left everything burned, nothing left to send.
The life I've known has been "live and let die"
No second tries exist for me anymore.
Those feelings and moments I chase in hind
Are lost like memories, like tears fall to the floor.
Desert Rain
7.6.09
We sat in silence on that dark night on Earth. Wind blew in the orange trees, and the full moon illuminated the scenery before us. The wind whistled through the rocks, revealing the irresolvable calamity of the hidden ones. Unrevealing what I was meant to say to them . . . Rain pounded on the pavements, and hope and despair filled the air at once as I felt the tables slipping away from me. Ungrasping those silent moments, forgetting to exhale when confusion smothered me. Standing in still silence, as we waited for the start, the stars shining down on us. Ardent sparks filled the hole inside, and city lights shined on through the stagnating darkness. Preternatural was the feeling of the drive, the dark and deep wound pulled wider as all came crashing down from sky-scraping buildings. The cold dotted our visions as we walked, as if through primrose and thorn bushes, ignoring, forgetting, unbelieving. The carved roads and painted skies were bright with innocence and hope as we walked those sunlit days. Camaraderie with the sun, the breath-taking reality. The lives it took with it each dusk. Solemn were those days, when I forgot and never saw the light at the end of the road. Still, we laughed through the winter, the cataclysm from the fall thrown behind our backs and never seen again. The snow fell like the afterwake of a fire from a previous morn, and we danced and wrote poems in despair. The streets always grew darker as we all changed and never noticed; as time passed and we never changed. The beauty and enchantment of those solemn days walk on in some other dimension. Where salvation and hope exist. Exists. Walking down the dirt road, we inhaled the scent of rain on a desert night. And of it, we saved nothing. We said nothing. We felt nothing.
We sat in silence on that dark night on Earth. Wind blew in the orange trees, and the full moon illuminated the scenery before us. The wind whistled through the rocks, revealing the irresolvable calamity of the hidden ones. Unrevealing what I was meant to say to them . . . Rain pounded on the pavements, and hope and despair filled the air at once as I felt the tables slipping away from me. Ungrasping those silent moments, forgetting to exhale when confusion smothered me. Standing in still silence, as we waited for the start, the stars shining down on us. Ardent sparks filled the hole inside, and city lights shined on through the stagnating darkness. Preternatural was the feeling of the drive, the dark and deep wound pulled wider as all came crashing down from sky-scraping buildings. The cold dotted our visions as we walked, as if through primrose and thorn bushes, ignoring, forgetting, unbelieving. The carved roads and painted skies were bright with innocence and hope as we walked those sunlit days. Camaraderie with the sun, the breath-taking reality. The lives it took with it each dusk. Solemn were those days, when I forgot and never saw the light at the end of the road. Still, we laughed through the winter, the cataclysm from the fall thrown behind our backs and never seen again. The snow fell like the afterwake of a fire from a previous morn, and we danced and wrote poems in despair. The streets always grew darker as we all changed and never noticed; as time passed and we never changed. The beauty and enchantment of those solemn days walk on in some other dimension. Where salvation and hope exist. Exists. Walking down the dirt road, we inhaled the scent of rain on a desert night. And of it, we saved nothing. We said nothing. We felt nothing.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
A Short Story: "Once a Month"
Written 12.19.11
Here is the link to the pdf:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0Bx7Ov_SEOJc9dEtVRlE1cFRja2s/edit?usp=sharing
Here is the link to the pdf:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0Bx7Ov_SEOJc9dEtVRlE1cFRja2s/edit?usp=sharing
Yesterday
10.13.08
I wish today was yesterday
When colors seemed much more than grey
I only wish to be less human than I seem
So why won't these feelings leave me be?
People smiled back then more than now
City lights were gleaming, below the rain clouds
We were one day younger, yet we've seemed to change
Skies weren't bluer, but they didn't seem so grey.
And we were laughing, so much more to love back then
In the harsh cold weather, but the gloom hadn't seeped in
And he was there with me, my lovely friend.
In that enchanting place and time.
With promised words, we shared and laughed
But still he seemed so far from me.
I wish today was yesterday
Today, the skies do seem so grey.
And pale leaves, they fall astray
Chrysanthemums aren't blooming today.
Inside's so empty, the absence I mourn
Yesterday, he was here, that once-lived day
And now he's gone, so far away
Oh, how I wish today was yesterday.
I wish today was yesterday
When colors seemed much more than grey
I only wish to be less human than I seem
So why won't these feelings leave me be?
People smiled back then more than now
City lights were gleaming, below the rain clouds
We were one day younger, yet we've seemed to change
Skies weren't bluer, but they didn't seem so grey.
And we were laughing, so much more to love back then
In the harsh cold weather, but the gloom hadn't seeped in
And he was there with me, my lovely friend.
In that enchanting place and time.
With promised words, we shared and laughed
But still he seemed so far from me.
I wish today was yesterday
Today, the skies do seem so grey.
And pale leaves, they fall astray
Chrysanthemums aren't blooming today.
Inside's so empty, the absence I mourn
Yesterday, he was here, that once-lived day
And now he's gone, so far away
Oh, how I wish today was yesterday.
Stars, Roads, and Ashes
11.6.08
Woke up from a dream today
The stars had turned into bats
Million flying in frenzy,
They chased me into a trap.
These years, so full of wonder
What with the new years comes?
The trap I was lead into
Left me with two roads ahead
One road leads to contentment
The places I was meant to go
Where I sit among mere mortals
Nearly equals controlling me
The other leads to kingdoms,
The places I want to go
Full of dreams and desires
The chance to become a god.
Full of will, full of despair
Can I trust my own trust?
In choosing the right road,
Can I handle what I'll walk into?
So fickle, no commitment
The desires up ahead
Never stable, never happy
Until my sword drips with red.
Will I see the end, does it come near
When the moon and sun collapse?
Will I do everything I want done
Will I be remembered, or my name be among none?
Should I sit among the gods,
Or do I walk this world alone?
Shall I decay, become dust,
Do I deserve what I want?
Still, in my heart, there gapes a hole
Through and through, it empties my soul.
And my will and ability are suddenly nothing.
Failure as my ashes join the bats in the stars.
Woke up from a dream today
The stars had turned into bats
Million flying in frenzy,
They chased me into a trap.
These years, so full of wonder
What with the new years comes?
The trap I was lead into
Left me with two roads ahead
One road leads to contentment
The places I was meant to go
Where I sit among mere mortals
Nearly equals controlling me
The other leads to kingdoms,
The places I want to go
Full of dreams and desires
The chance to become a god.
Full of will, full of despair
Can I trust my own trust?
In choosing the right road,
Can I handle what I'll walk into?
So fickle, no commitment
The desires up ahead
Never stable, never happy
Until my sword drips with red.
Will I see the end, does it come near
When the moon and sun collapse?
Will I do everything I want done
Will I be remembered, or my name be among none?
Should I sit among the gods,
Or do I walk this world alone?
Shall I decay, become dust,
Do I deserve what I want?
Still, in my heart, there gapes a hole
Through and through, it empties my soul.
And my will and ability are suddenly nothing.
Failure as my ashes join the bats in the stars.
On All Things Long Dead
2.13.09
Without you in sight,
my vision grows weary.
Without your presence,
my days grow dreary.
Without your touch,
my fingers grow numb.
Without your feel,
I am no longer one.
Without your support,
I drag on through the days.
Without you and me,
there is no other way.
Without our hideaway,
for me, no more escapes.
With only memories,
the emptiness grows great.
Without your songs,
there's no more soul in my days.
Without your light,
darkness, to me, does embrace.
Without you in sight,
my vision grows weary.
Without your presence,
my days grow dreary.
Without your touch,
my fingers grow numb.
Without your feel,
I am no longer one.
Without your support,
I drag on through the days.
Without you and me,
there is no other way.
Without our hideaway,
for me, no more escapes.
With only memories,
the emptiness grows great.
Without your songs,
there's no more soul in my days.
Without your light,
darkness, to me, does embrace.
Obscured
10.20.08
I wish to feel that sense of relief
Of the weight being lifted from my shoulders
For months, I've been living in a nightmare
It'll turn to years, time won't run slower.
I wish this impending threat can be removed
And make the world so much brighter
Am I paranoid or mad, as the sorrow decayed me
Is my mind going out, a dousing fire?
I wish it can all be over at last
And I could look forward to things again
What do I want to end? Why is it I am scared?
Why can't I fabricate into words this threat I wish to end?
I wish to feel that sense of relief
Of the weight being lifted from my shoulders
For months, I've been living in a nightmare
It'll turn to years, time won't run slower.
I wish this impending threat can be removed
And make the world so much brighter
Am I paranoid or mad, as the sorrow decayed me
Is my mind going out, a dousing fire?
I wish it can all be over at last
And I could look forward to things again
What do I want to end? Why is it I am scared?
Why can't I fabricate into words this threat I wish to end?
Frozen Plague
10.22.08
Sitting in a chair, so that I sat straight
Right across from the window, staring
At the snow as it fell.
And as I sat, I started thinking,
Plagued by personal demons, the fires
They set within.
Pondering at how the older I become,
The more I realize that the world isn't
What I thought it was.
And how each time my eyes cross a mirror
The more I want to create cracks in what
Is staring back in me.
And how everywhere I look is like a puddle
Of water, and I see things that remind me
Of how much I don't like me.
No stamina, no charisma, no strength found in me.
Everywhere people's ignorance plagues me
Yet I'm just the same as them.
And what's worse is that I'm worse than them
For my existence is nothing to no one.
My consciousness merely wanders.
And still the snow is falling, everlasting
Never changing, it never fails,
Out in the fields.
Covering the world in white, it never stops
I raised my heard from my hands and
Shuddered: “So this is life?”
Sitting in a chair, so that I sat straight
Right across from the window, staring
At the snow as it fell.
And as I sat, I started thinking,
Plagued by personal demons, the fires
They set within.
Pondering at how the older I become,
The more I realize that the world isn't
What I thought it was.
And how each time my eyes cross a mirror
The more I want to create cracks in what
Is staring back in me.
And how everywhere I look is like a puddle
Of water, and I see things that remind me
Of how much I don't like me.
No stamina, no charisma, no strength found in me.
Everywhere people's ignorance plagues me
Yet I'm just the same as them.
And what's worse is that I'm worse than them
For my existence is nothing to no one.
My consciousness merely wanders.
And still the snow is falling, everlasting
Never changing, it never fails,
Out in the fields.
Covering the world in white, it never stops
I raised my heard from my hands and
Shuddered: “So this is life?”
Eternity
10.16.08
I walk into the night, moonlit
The autumn chill biting at my skin
This night it's I who will decide
The path in which my destiny lies
Tonight I choose when it'll turn to day
Symbol of warmth and love, so far away
As I walk beside the pumpkin patch
I wonder if this stroll will turn to be my last
Tonight's my night, for me the sun will wait
I roll the dice, this night I choose my fate
And as I walk alone into the night
I wonder why they're all so pale . . .
I walk into the silent forest
It says, “Hearken, child, come near.
“At night I such on your mortals' blood
To keep myself alive.”
Its arctic lips close to my skin
Its arcane gift I couldn't resist.
And so I gave my life that night
The story I'll live on to tell.
Forever and ever, I'll love forever
But the dead ones that miss me will rot.
And so I'll live on, with sorrow and guilt
For it's with them I never will join
But here I'm eternal, I'll sing and dance
This time, the world's at my hands
Tonight's forever, and for me the sun will sleep.
I rolled the dice, that night I was set free.
And as I flew on through the night,
With a pensive smile I knew,
“With each dreaded second, I'll never grow old
And that's why they're all so pale.”
I walk into the night, moonlit
The autumn chill biting at my skin
This night it's I who will decide
The path in which my destiny lies
Tonight I choose when it'll turn to day
Symbol of warmth and love, so far away
As I walk beside the pumpkin patch
I wonder if this stroll will turn to be my last
Tonight's my night, for me the sun will wait
I roll the dice, this night I choose my fate
And as I walk alone into the night
I wonder why they're all so pale . . .
I walk into the silent forest
It says, “Hearken, child, come near.
“At night I such on your mortals' blood
To keep myself alive.”
Its arctic lips close to my skin
Its arcane gift I couldn't resist.
And so I gave my life that night
The story I'll live on to tell.
Forever and ever, I'll love forever
But the dead ones that miss me will rot.
And so I'll live on, with sorrow and guilt
For it's with them I never will join
But here I'm eternal, I'll sing and dance
This time, the world's at my hands
Tonight's forever, and for me the sun will sleep.
I rolled the dice, that night I was set free.
And as I flew on through the night,
With a pensive smile I knew,
“With each dreaded second, I'll never grow old
And that's why they're all so pale.”
Debut
9.15.08
Dreadful dawns, hourless days
Hollowed in my heart, hauled on through the pain
Last words from a friend, true tears I've cried
Living through nothing, watching days turn into nights.
Sorrow in my heart, in my mind, in my words
Terrified of time, no voice to ever be heard.
Wishing the world can stand still and wait
Still I feel betrayed, anger, fear, hate. . .
Seeking for a friend, or the ghost of the remains
But my days wills stay silent, recall the smile that he gave . . .
And still I smiled back, through the shallow heart in me
But inside it meant nothing, chains that won't set free.
Do you feel, do you know, that such yearning for one person
Can turn into a hell, into a nightmare, a daydream that has worsened
My love, these years won't be worth living
No more smiles, or sunlit days, as flowers turn to withering.
But still I'll live through my calamity, through this fuck of life
Don't love me, my friend, no more closeness to cause strife
Yet I can't help it, and I love, through this fear of growing older
The nights I'll cry, I'll wish, I'll look to the stars and wait.
Moonlit scenery, last for a second.
Time will pass, time is up, the sorrow I'll let in.
The pain is eternal, because of him . . . (I miss him) . . .
Because the world I knew shattered before
my eyes as I felt him slip through my fingers . . .
Dreadful dawns, hourless days
Hollowed in my heart, hauled on through the pain
Last words from a friend, true tears I've cried
Living through nothing, watching days turn into nights.
Sorrow in my heart, in my mind, in my words
Terrified of time, no voice to ever be heard.
Wishing the world can stand still and wait
Still I feel betrayed, anger, fear, hate. . .
Seeking for a friend, or the ghost of the remains
But my days wills stay silent, recall the smile that he gave . . .
And still I smiled back, through the shallow heart in me
But inside it meant nothing, chains that won't set free.
Do you feel, do you know, that such yearning for one person
Can turn into a hell, into a nightmare, a daydream that has worsened
My love, these years won't be worth living
No more smiles, or sunlit days, as flowers turn to withering.
But still I'll live through my calamity, through this fuck of life
Don't love me, my friend, no more closeness to cause strife
Yet I can't help it, and I love, through this fear of growing older
The nights I'll cry, I'll wish, I'll look to the stars and wait.
Moonlit scenery, last for a second.
Time will pass, time is up, the sorrow I'll let in.
The pain is eternal, because of him . . . (I miss him) . . .
Because the world I knew shattered before
my eyes as I felt him slip through my fingers . . .
Elucidation.
So coming along are some of my first "poetic works" . . .
I dabbled in poetry first before I commenced my songwriting expertise, which came along shortly after.
Personal note--around the time I was 14, I encountered this creative uprising in my life, what Friedrich Nietzsche would baptize the "Dionysian" as I have come to understand it, where certain negative influences or instances that occur spark "creation". What follows is the "Apollonian," expression of what any teenager is capable of fabricating into any sort of literary style--that is, the afflictions, complaints, and realizations dawning on me during the end of 2008.
Another note of importance . . . The male pronoun behind the "he" and "him" who is constantly referenced to throughout these works symbolizes my personal notion of nostalgia for childhood and buoyant past, which is clearly realized as a loss in my writings.
I dabbled in poetry first before I commenced my songwriting expertise, which came along shortly after.
Personal note--around the time I was 14, I encountered this creative uprising in my life, what Friedrich Nietzsche would baptize the "Dionysian" as I have come to understand it, where certain negative influences or instances that occur spark "creation". What follows is the "Apollonian," expression of what any teenager is capable of fabricating into any sort of literary style--that is, the afflictions, complaints, and realizations dawning on me during the end of 2008.
Another note of importance . . . The male pronoun behind the "he" and "him" who is constantly referenced to throughout these works symbolizes my personal notion of nostalgia for childhood and buoyant past, which is clearly realized as a loss in my writings.
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